I'm still here...

There are many reasons for my radio silence. I have not blogged since the loss of my beloved grandmother Maria, and since then much has happened.

Where to begin? Let me pick up from where we left off.

After my Baba's passing, I was broken inside. I miss her immensely.

My family has not been the same since Mikki passed away. A light within us all was dimmed that day, and with the passing of Baba, that light became even darker. My grandfather became a shadow of the man I knew. The moment he lost his Maria his life became nothing. He didn't want to walk this earth without the love of his life beside him. He was completely and utterly heartbroken, and it hurt to see him this way. Life moved on slowly, and visits from Harriet became one of the only things to cheer him up. I always loved seeing him smile with her.

Me and Jason at Nitro Circus

It was around this time that I had become incredibly lonely. I had cried all my tears and started to feel that sense of feminine empowerment (I started saying  to myself...ENOUGH! You are still young. HE LEFT YOU! Why can't you have fun again?). My period of mourning my marriage was over, and I began to dip my foot into the waters of app dating. I took the plunge head first into the world of Tinder. I won't go into any details, but suffice to say it was an eye opening experience. I conversed with many different types of men, and some were single dads who gave me a different perspective on things. Then I matched with a guy named Jason, and everything changed. He turned my world on its head. I never thought, in my wildest dreams that I would find love again, or someone who could love me with all my baggage....but I did. And as the saying goes, the rest is history. We have been together ever since. It was when we had been together for over 6 months that I felt it was time to introduce the girls to Jason. Before this could happen I felt an obligation to let my ex-husband know. I messaged him and told him that I had met someone and that we had been together for over 6 months and it was something serious. I told him I was not replacing him and that he would always be Molly and Harriet's father. I offered an introduction to Jason prior, which he declined. (At this point I have to say how judged I was for entering a relationship with another man 6 months after my husband left me. Yet my ex-husband was the one who was with another woman immediately after leaving me and his two children. It's a sad reflection on society.) Anyway, Jason finally met the girls and they adore him. We are now two years in and still as in love as ever.

I got two new tattoos. One in honour of my girls, 3 matryoshka dolls to represent the the three of us. My second one is in honour of Mikki. A pink vintage circus elephant with a lily in it's trunk. One of the only things I have left of my aunt is a small porcelain trinket of a pink elephant. It is one my most prized and treasured possessions. My amazing tattooist drew up a beautiful elephant for me, and I had a lily placed in its trunk for my mother, Lily.

Birthdays came and went. Molly is now 6 and in year 2. Harriet is 3 and as feisty as ever.

Deda had several falls throughout the year. He was drinking more. He tried to dupe me into taking him to the liquor store one day. When I refused he got angry at me, and swore at me. I drove away in a puddle of tears. He had never spoken to me like that before. My mother was beside herself. He later rang me and apologised. His heart bled and yearned to be with Baba. We all knew it. My mother and my uncle did all they could for him. It was heartbreaking to see them go through this with their father. He ended up having to go into a nursing home, as he required full time care. If I didn't have kids I would have moved in with him, but I couldn't inflict my kids on him full time. He wouldn't have been able to cope, even though he had pleaded with me on more than one occasion to do so. 

Christmas came. It had been touch and go with Deda, and we weren't sure if he would  be able to spend Christmas with us, but he came good and spent one last Christmas with us all. Deda had met Jason a couple of times prior, but it was Christmas in 2015 that my Deda told me how much he liked Jason. He told me he was so happy that I had found such a lovely young man. To get my Deda's seal of approval on the man that I love was an awesome feeling. Everything felt right for a short period.

On January 31st 2016, my Deda took his last breath. He was finally with his love again.

With losing my Deda, my mum lost her only living parent....and I lost my only living grandparent. When Baba passed, the wind was knocked out of me from every angle. Saying goodbye to Deda did exactly the same. Even now, I cannot talk or write about them without shedding tears. They were such a huge part of my life as well as my children's.

I was adamant that I would say something at Deda's funeral. I had to. It was the one last thing that I could do for him to thank him for all the love, care, and joy he had given me throughout my life. I'm happy to report that I managed to make it through my entire eulogy without crying. It was only afterwards and now that tears fill my eyes. Every time I see his face in photographs, the tears well up and streak my face.

I have several photos on my desktop of him and Baba, as I put together the memorial booklet for his funeral. Most days, if Harri sees his photo sat there she demands "I see Deda!" at which point I must open his image and his face is splashed across my screen. Harri immediately smiles and exclaims, "that's my Deda! He has blue eyes just like me. He's gone to the stars." No matter how many times we go through this ritual, I still cry.

There are days where randomly out of the blue Molly, and now Harri, will suddenly say, "I miss Baba and Deda." Each time my heart aches, but I am always overcome with a sense of love and warmth. because my girls knew my grandparents. They loved spending time with their great grandparents. That time is the most precious thing in the world. Money cannot buy those moments, and I am grateful that my daughters got to share a part of their lives with Baba and Deda.

Christmas of 2016 marked the first year of having no grandparents present. It was strange to see someone else sitting where Deda would sit. It is something that I will never get used to.

Tealk

Last year we also moved house. It was the first time I had moved in 12 years. One month prior to my move my cat Tealk became ill. In a whirlwind of panic I rushed him to the vet. They were kind and gracious, but the news was heartbreaking. My Tealky was 17, with a large distended stomach. To put him through any treatments would be cruel at his age. He came home for one final evening with us. My life companion, who had been there through everything with me from getting married, to losing Mikki, to having two children, then my husband leaving me. He was my furry little rock who loved me unconditionally. With the heaviest of hearts I took him to the vet, accompanied by friend Victoria, so he could go into his eternal slumber. I was devastated. He has left a huge void, and I miss him terribly.

So, I'm still here. The past 2 years have been full of life moments, some of which have been the most difficult of my life....and although I miss those who have left us,I am looking to the future now and focused on raising two independent strong girls who are going to have wonderful adventures along the way.

Hopefully there won't bee too much silence in between drinks this time.