Maria Grujovic 09.08.1929 - 13.12.2014

Baba and Deda

Today a chapter in our lives came to a close. My beautiful and glamorous grandmother was laid to rest next to her daughter at Rookwood Cemetery.

On Saturday the 13th of December 2014, in the very early hours of the morning, Maria Grujovic, my grandmother, took her last breaths and left this world.

It has been a surreal journey and hadn't really sunk in until today. I know that she had a long and amazing life. That this is the natural order of things, but it still doesn't stop me from selfishly wanting her to stay here forever. It doesn't stop the pain that lingers in my heart like poison.

It's funny what pops into ones head when you learn that you have lost someone dear to you. All I could think of was that I wanted to make Vanilice with her one more time, and that now I would never get the chance to learn from her again.

Ivan, Baba, and Danny

Last night my mother told me that my grandfather had asked for it to be open casket. Dread filled me. I couldn't take my kids to say goodbye because it would be too much for them. It would be too much for me. When the lid was lifted, my heart felt like it had be torn from my chest. My eyes filled with tears, and they fell down my cheeks freely. I couldn't help it, I sobbed like a child. Then I felt a hand touch mine, it slid a tissue into my fingers....then that hand held mine. It was my cousin Saxon. We all lost our grandmother. 

I looked to my right and stared at my grandfathers face. His blue eyes were red and tears fell down his face like waterfalls. His mouth was shaking. He lost the love of his life....his lifetime companion. His wife of 66 years lay in front of him. He has already buried a child, and today he buried his wife. He is man who is dying of a broken heart. He doesn't wail in grief, instead his suffering sounds much worse. the only sound I can compare it to is that of a wounded puppy. 

My mother and uncle stood there and looked upon their mothers face one last time. their eyes red from days of crying, their hearts heavy with grief. Memories swarming around in their heads.

I have so many wonderful stories about my grandmother, but at this very moment all I can think of is cooking with her.

Baba, my gorgeous grandmother. May you be at peace now. Your suffering has ended. May the stars pave the way for you to Danny, Ivan, and Mikki, where they will be waiting for you with open arms. Shine your star like a beacon of light in the midnight sky, so that we might bathe in your love for a little longer. I love you and I am so grateful to have had you in my life. I owe much of who I am to you and I am proud of it. Rest in peace

One of the last times I saw her. I captured true love.

.

Another year passed.

Today it is 6 years since my aunt Mikki left this world. It's strange, it feels like only yesterday. The wounds are still so fresh and deep. The sound of my grandfathers cries haunt me. The way her hands were so cold to touch. My last plead with her as I whispered in her ear "Please wake up Mikki. PLEASE! Just open your eyes." All of these things swim around in my head and make me dizzy.

We never get over the loss of a loved one. We simply just learn to live with the anguish. We can still smile and laugh. We can go about our daily functions, but the sorrow is still there. Lingering in our broken hearts.

I have photos of her in my home, and I look upon her beautiful face every day. I yearn for a comforting hug from her. For a smart arse remark to bring the tone into the gutter as she always would. God, I miss her humour and her laugh...I miss her light. The one that would set a room ablaze when she walked in.

I look at Natasha, and she resembles her more and more with each day. I see her in Natasha and Remy when they smile. The corner of their lips curling just like hers, and their eyes crinkling  and sparkling the same way. She's here, every time they look back at me I see her.

Today will never be an easy day for my family. Today was the day our world exploded and came crumbling down around us. We move through life carrying the wounds, carefully protected so as not to rupture them again, but it is inevitable that on this day they will always re-open. The tears will fall and our hearts will ache. The dull pain will always be there in the darkest corners within us. We will always honour her on this day and remember the beauty that shone from her.

Rest peacefully my beautiful aunt. May your star shine brightly tonight for all of us to see. You are forever missed. I love you.

She said what?!

Recently my best friend and I did the unthinkable and ventured into Ikea on a Saturday with kids in tow. I put my eldest into Smaland, so I just had my youngest and she had her daughter who is the same age.

After getting buzzed to collect Molly as our allocated hour had expired, we began finishing our session at the mega store when Molly exclaimed that she needed the bathroom. I told her to hold on as we were almost done. At this point she tells me she needs to poo and that if she doesn't go to the toilet soon she "will poo in my pants!" (all quite loudly too). So I gesture to my friend and tell her I'll meet her on the other side of the registers. I rush through the register myself, and run my girls to the toilet. By the time we return my friend is at the register.

Something about her is off. She looked flustered and annoyed...and a little upset. I asked what was wrong and she told me that shortly after I left her, that her daughter had started to get a bit restless as it was late in the day (about 4:30pm) and the witching hour for toddlers. She was trying to get all her stuff quickly and out of the store when a middle aged woman felt the need to say these words to my mate with a smirk, "I think she's had enough, don't you?". I was livid! How dare anyone presume to feel free to say such a thing to a parent. I had only wished that I had been there with her, because I can tell you that a few choice words would have rolled off my tongue.

When did it become OK for people to randomly come up to you and put their two cents in? When did it become OK to publicly humiliate a mother doing the best that she could? I would never presume to know so much about a parent, and just walk up to them and spout such comments. People have said that maybe she was trying to be funny and make light of the situation, but from what my friend said, this woman was purposefully malicious. I'm sorry, but that old adage of  'if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' is very much applicable here. 

I am truly horrified that my mate had to hear something like that. Most of the time when I am out and about with my girls and Molly kicks off into one of her almighty tantrums, I get the usual looks of horror. I can feel the judgement oozing out of them, penetrating my skin. But then, there will always be that one woman....a mother, and she will smile at me and say something to the tune of "it will pass". Sometimes there is a even a hand on your hand as they say it. And that tiny gesture makes the other people who watch on in horror, just melt away. So to my beautiful best friend, know this...you are an amazing mother, and a truly awesome woman. No vile middle aged crank in Ikea will take that away from you. Trust in your ability and trust your instincts. Your little girl will only be this age once, so enjoy every moment of it....even the witching hours. Screw anyone who presumes to tell you how to do things. This is me putting my hand on yours. You are doing a fabulous job.

The man who tried to save her.....

So today I caught up with an old school friend of mine, Sophie that I haven't seen in over 10 years. It was truly wonderful seeing her face and hearing voice. She still looks the same, as beautiful as ever and smiling from ear to ear, like no time had elapsed. Although our screaming children certainly showed that we had grown up in some sense.

We talked about many things. My recent separation from my husband, parenting, careers, then I began to share all the tragedies that have been littered throughout the past several years of my life. Losing some of the most incredible and influential women in my life. I spoke of how my aunts passing had changed my family's world. That my mother had not been quite the same since losing her baby sister. I began to tell her of the circumstances of Mikki's passing, of how my mother and she had worked together and how one day an aneurysm had claimed my aunts life while she sat at the reception desk. At which point my friend Sophie asked if my mother and aunt had worked for WHK. A little taken aback I replied with a yes, wondering how on Earth could she possibly know that. She looked at me and said "I think Pete was the one who performed CPR on your aunt." Pete is Sophie's husband. The wind was knocked out of me for a second, and it felt like my heart stopped. What a completely and amazingly small world we live in! I rang my mother and she confirmed it. 

I still can't quite believe my mother and aunt worked with Soph's husband for all those years and we had no idea. It's just mind blowing how lives become intertwined.

Sophie told me of how Peter came home and how that days events had shaken him. I felt so sad that he had to witness that, but I also felt comforted knowing that the person who was trying to breathe life back into her, was somehow connected to me.

I don't know if Sophie or her husband Peter know just how grateful we are for his efforts. That he truly holds a special place in our hearts. That he did everything he could to try and save a life that was so incredibly precious to us, means more than he will ever know. I stopped in to see my grandparents this afternoon, and my grandmother said that my mother had called and told her that it was my friend's husband who had tried to save Mikki. She looked at me through those sad and loving eyes and said, "Please tell him, thank you." So I wanted to take the opportunity to do just that, from my entire family. I'm not sure how to even say thank you for such courage and strength, or that any words will be enough.

Firstly, to my friend Sophie, thank you for putting two and two together and telling me it was your husband who was there that day. Also, it took all the strength I had today not to cry. It's such a hard subject for me, usually just reading her name can evoke the deepest emotions. You see she was so important in my life. Her name was Mikki, and she was amazing. I would give the world to see her face again and hear her laugh, and your husband tried to keep her with us, which is just about the most heroic thing to me and my family.

To Peter, the man who tried valiantly to save my aunt, who is married to my friend Sophie and father to her two gorgeous girls. Thank you for coming back when you heard Mikki collapse. Thank you for trying. Thank you for caring about a human life and giving it your best shot to keep her with us. We are eternally grateful and from the bottom of our hearts..... thank you. 

When forever ends...

I fell in love with the love of my life in 2003. He had a red Mohawk and tattoos all over his arms. I saw him across the bar and knew immediately that I had to speak to him. Within moments of meeting, he had made me smile and laugh, and I realised that this was something special.

Within 5 months we were engaged, and just over a year later we were married. Life was not always a walk in the park. We argued over what most couples argue about, sex and money. But we always resolved things, even though we could both be as stubborn as mules.

6 years after getting married we welcomed our first child into the world. She was perfect and made life all that much better, until I found myself doing most things on my own. My husband always had something else to do....something that took priority. Whether it was a band he was in or just wanting to sleep in, we just didn't seem to even register as a blip on his radar. Nevertheless I persevered.

3 years later we had our second baby and she was equally as beautiful as our first, and just as perfect. Life was nice, but again I found myself doing everything on my own. I used to ask him to join us for family lunch on Sundays, or to come to the park for a play, but he always had an excuse; so I just stopped asking.

I never stopped loving him. I don't know when he stopped loving me; but he did. He stopped. And you can't force someone to love you. I don't know if there is someone else, or if I just disgust him. But something changed in him and before I knew it, he had packed some clothes and moved out. He left me. He left us. So here I am. All alone with two small children. My world ripped out from under me. 

Every time he comes to visit I fall apart inside when I hear Molly's voice inevitably say, "but daddy, you live here! This is your home....we're a family". I feel like I have let my girls down. I'm so hurt, sad, and angry, that it makes me feel sick. I feel such disappointment for the man that I once held so dear. The man that I still, stupidly love. I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. 

This is all very simplified. I'm not saying that I have been a saint either, I know that I can be hard to live with. So many things have have been said and done over the years, but I fought tirelessly for our marriage throughout it all, and now there is no coming back from this. He gave up on us, and I think that's what hurts the most. I always stood by him, no matter what....but he left me. 11 years of  my life, discarded as if they were nothing. Memories left to rot in the recesses of my mind.

I feel lost, alone, hurt, and so completely and utterly broken. Like a piece of porcelain, all cracked and the slightest move will shatter me into a thousand pieces; and every time I try to repair myself I just find more fractures. 

I struggle to explain it to my girls. Harri is only one, so she's none the wiser, but Molly is 4 and asking so many questions....questions that I have no answers to. So I turned to literature, and Babette Cole saved my life. She wrote a book for children called Two of Everything. It follows a brother and sister duo, Paula and Demetrius Ogglebutt. Their parents just can't get along. It addresses the one thing that I worry about most, that the children think it's their fault. They hold a meeting at school and conclude that in fact, it's the adults fault. It's a beautiful and funny book that appeals to a child's wit, sense of humour, and their level of comprehension. I just never thought that I would have to get a book like this for my kids. I never thought that we would be here.

Just like Mrs Hastings in Strictly Ballroom, I put my "happy face" on. I try to be as civil as I can with him, because my girls deserve to have their father in their lives, but they also deserve so much better than what he has given them so far. I just hope that he steps up and gives them the dad that they believe him to be.

So when the fairy tale ends and forever is nothing more than just a word, this is what is left behind in the wake of the destruction. Two children pining for the father that was never really there for them in the first place, and a mother who is left to pick up the pieces and try and hold it all together, even though she is a train wreck on the inside.
You know, people had said to me you'll mourn the relationship, and I never understood it until it began. It truly has been like a death. It is such a huge and profoundly deep sense of loss. An empty chasm in my chest where my heart once lived. My daughters tear filled eyes pleading with me to see daddy rip the wound even deeper. I never wanted any of this for my girls. I never wanted any of this for me. Now I have to try and explain this to them throughout their lives and hope that they don't hate me for their father's deeds.
I live in the hope that my girls will grow to be strong and independent women one day, who will be proud of their mum for providing a positive and loving home for them.....I live in the hope that one day they will understand.

Today is the day that I open up and share my agony publicly. It has been almost 3 months since he left. I am still broken, but I am able to talk about it now. I guess it's kind of cathartic. To be fair, we do seem to be getting along a little better, although I find it easiest to communicate with him via text or Facebook messaging. Seeing him in person is still very hard, but it is getting easier.
On this day ten years ago, he placed a ring on my finger and we vowed to love and cherish each other until the end of our days. Today, I removed that ring. I look at the ten years worth of indents and ridges on my skin where my rings once rested, and a sense of sorrow and anger engulfs me. I tell myself that today is just another day.

Where does the time go?

Molly, post surgery.

Here I am, wondering where the time has gone and why I haven't written for so long yet again. The answer is that I have children, and children are the most wonderful and sometimes terrible distractions one can have. My two girls are the lights of my life. Molly drives me crazy most of the time, and it's probably because our personalities are so similar (which instantly makes her awesome). Harriet is no wall flower either. With every passing day she finds a new level of volume, in fact I think she may even go to 11 hahaha! (a Spinal Tap joke for those who don't get it).

Me and my baby after her surgery.

So what has been happening in my super charged world of motherhood? Well firstly, Molly had her tonsils and adenoids removed. It was honestly one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. Nothing quite prepared me for seeing her go under general anaesthesia. With children, a mask is held to their face with gas to knock them out, and a cannula is put in to their arm while they are asleep. Yes, it is good logic because who wants a cannula anyway (child or adult), but she looked at me with fear and terror in her eyes. Those big marvellous eyes cried out for her mummy to help her, but I couldn't. It near broke me. When she came to, she was very dazed and had the saddest eyes I have ever seen. She was such a little trooper. That night was a rough one, because the pain started to set in and her cannula and heart rate monitor were irritating her, but she pushed through it with such bravery.

During the evening a little boy came onto the ward in the bed next to us. His name was Louis and he had broken his arm. He was throwing up quite a bit and Molly had taken notice of this. In the morning when her drip was taken out and she was able to move, she jumped down off her bed and took the sick bag that was given to her that she had not used and gave it to Louis, and exclaimed "here, you can have mine." My little cherub has such a big wonderful heart, and she made me so proud with not just that beautiful act of kindness, but her courage and strength throughout the entire ordeal.

Molly's birthday cake.

We also just celebrated Molly's 4th birthday and Harriet's 1st birthday (although she is not actually 1 until July). We had a joint birthday party that went off with a bang. It was a pirate party for Molly and a Little Miss Sunshine twist for Harri. The sun shone and fun and excitement filled the air. They had a magnificent day, and I have never been so exhausted hahahaha! I don't think I will be doing that again any time soon, that's for sure. 

Harriet's birthday cake.

So many other things have happened, but my brain is so scattered and out of it at the moment that I will have to return soon to continue the tales of my adventures.

To be continued....