Operation Rescue...

Ted

Now, it has been a tumultuous past two years, and the last thing anyone would want after all of that is to add any kinds of stress. Right? WRONG! After the passing of Tealk, I have had a gaping hole inside me that I have not been able to fill. After talks with my two tiny humans we decided that we all wanted a dog.

I started to search, but just couldn't find the right one. I really wanted to rescue a greyhound, but my Body Corporate denied me. So the hunt continued. The prerequisite was that the dog MUST be a rescue.

A couple of months ago an ad came up on my Facebook feed. It was a casting call. They were looking for families who were passionate about rescue animals and were looking to find and adopt a rescue dog. The show, Dr Lisa to The Rescue. So, I applied and thought nothing more of it. Then I got a call. The girls and I were interviewed and then eventually we were advised that we would be on the show.

This meant that the team would find suitable dogs for us to choose from, and took the hard work out of it for me.

Come Tuesday the 14th of March and we were filming our second day, this time on location at the Animal Welfare League shelter in Kemps Creek. We were introduced to 3 potential dogs. The first was Penny, who was gorgeous but absolutely terrified at the prospect of being near my kids. Secondly was Ben, who I fell in love with almost instantly. He was timid and scared, but very snugly. Thirdly was Ron, who was a Chihuahua and incredibly tiny. He was cute and the girls fell for him. For a moment it looked like we would be going home with Ron, but then he got a little aggro with Harri, and then it happened again. So much to my relief, we decided to adopt Ben.

After careful consideration, we also decided that Ben was not a suitable name for him. For many reasons, one of which is that my best friend Nicole, has a dog named Benson who we all call Benny. Also our boy just didn't look like a Ben....so he is now named Ted.

His first night was a rough one. He spent most of the evening vomiting which left me in a state of panic. First thing in the morning I took him to the vet. He was OK and it was put down to a combination of things including stress, motion sickness, and a possible stomach ulcer.

When Ted met Jason for the first time he was not a fan of the wheelchair, or so we thought. After several encounters with different men, it has become apparent that Teddles is a little fearful of most men. I think that it will take Ted a while to get used to Jase. What did strike me was his bark. He is a a Jack Russell x Foxie and I would have thought he may have had a high pitched bark, but as it turns out he has a deeper voice than expected.

Teddy has become my shadow. He follows me everywhere. Whilst we have all fallen in love with our little guy, he has also developed a deep affection for the girls. It's actually lovely to see Molly interacting with a dog and not being horrendously terrified, she's still quite wary but slowly getting used to life with a dog. Harri was never going to be scared. She adores him and can't get close enough to him. 

Our little guy has stolen our hearts, and we couldn't be happier. Every day I tell him just how much I love him and that he's well and truly stuck with us for good.

If you want as new pet, be it a cat, dog, or bunny. Please always consider a rescue animal. The ones that have been left behind who just need a second chance and a loving home. They will love you unconditionally forever.

I'm still here...

There are many reasons for my radio silence. I have not blogged since the loss of my beloved grandmother Maria, and since then much has happened.

Where to begin? Let me pick up from where we left off.

After my Baba's passing, I was broken inside. I miss her immensely.

My family has not been the same since Mikki passed away. A light within us all was dimmed that day, and with the passing of Baba, that light became even darker. My grandfather became a shadow of the man I knew. The moment he lost his Maria his life became nothing. He didn't want to walk this earth without the love of his life beside him. He was completely and utterly heartbroken, and it hurt to see him this way. Life moved on slowly, and visits from Harriet became one of the only things to cheer him up. I always loved seeing him smile with her.

Me and Jason at Nitro Circus

It was around this time that I had become incredibly lonely. I had cried all my tears and started to feel that sense of feminine empowerment (I started saying  to myself...ENOUGH! You are still young. HE LEFT YOU! Why can't you have fun again?). My period of mourning my marriage was over, and I began to dip my foot into the waters of app dating. I took the plunge head first into the world of Tinder. I won't go into any details, but suffice to say it was an eye opening experience. I conversed with many different types of men, and some were single dads who gave me a different perspective on things. Then I matched with a guy named Jason, and everything changed. He turned my world on its head. I never thought, in my wildest dreams that I would find love again, or someone who could love me with all my baggage....but I did. And as the saying goes, the rest is history. We have been together ever since. It was when we had been together for over 6 months that I felt it was time to introduce the girls to Jason. Before this could happen I felt an obligation to let my ex-husband know. I messaged him and told him that I had met someone and that we had been together for over 6 months and it was something serious. I told him I was not replacing him and that he would always be Molly and Harriet's father. I offered an introduction to Jason prior, which he declined. (At this point I have to say how judged I was for entering a relationship with another man 6 months after my husband left me. Yet my ex-husband was the one who was with another woman immediately after leaving me and his two children. It's a sad reflection on society.) Anyway, Jason finally met the girls and they adore him. We are now two years in and still as in love as ever.

I got two new tattoos. One in honour of my girls, 3 matryoshka dolls to represent the the three of us. My second one is in honour of Mikki. A pink vintage circus elephant with a lily in it's trunk. One of the only things I have left of my aunt is a small porcelain trinket of a pink elephant. It is one my most prized and treasured possessions. My amazing tattooist drew up a beautiful elephant for me, and I had a lily placed in its trunk for my mother, Lily.

Birthdays came and went. Molly is now 6 and in year 2. Harriet is 3 and as feisty as ever.

Deda had several falls throughout the year. He was drinking more. He tried to dupe me into taking him to the liquor store one day. When I refused he got angry at me, and swore at me. I drove away in a puddle of tears. He had never spoken to me like that before. My mother was beside herself. He later rang me and apologised. His heart bled and yearned to be with Baba. We all knew it. My mother and my uncle did all they could for him. It was heartbreaking to see them go through this with their father. He ended up having to go into a nursing home, as he required full time care. If I didn't have kids I would have moved in with him, but I couldn't inflict my kids on him full time. He wouldn't have been able to cope, even though he had pleaded with me on more than one occasion to do so. 

Christmas came. It had been touch and go with Deda, and we weren't sure if he would  be able to spend Christmas with us, but he came good and spent one last Christmas with us all. Deda had met Jason a couple of times prior, but it was Christmas in 2015 that my Deda told me how much he liked Jason. He told me he was so happy that I had found such a lovely young man. To get my Deda's seal of approval on the man that I love was an awesome feeling. Everything felt right for a short period.

On January 31st 2016, my Deda took his last breath. He was finally with his love again.

With losing my Deda, my mum lost her only living parent....and I lost my only living grandparent. When Baba passed, the wind was knocked out of me from every angle. Saying goodbye to Deda did exactly the same. Even now, I cannot talk or write about them without shedding tears. They were such a huge part of my life as well as my children's.

I was adamant that I would say something at Deda's funeral. I had to. It was the one last thing that I could do for him to thank him for all the love, care, and joy he had given me throughout my life. I'm happy to report that I managed to make it through my entire eulogy without crying. It was only afterwards and now that tears fill my eyes. Every time I see his face in photographs, the tears well up and streak my face.

I have several photos on my desktop of him and Baba, as I put together the memorial booklet for his funeral. Most days, if Harri sees his photo sat there she demands "I see Deda!" at which point I must open his image and his face is splashed across my screen. Harri immediately smiles and exclaims, "that's my Deda! He has blue eyes just like me. He's gone to the stars." No matter how many times we go through this ritual, I still cry.

There are days where randomly out of the blue Molly, and now Harri, will suddenly say, "I miss Baba and Deda." Each time my heart aches, but I am always overcome with a sense of love and warmth. because my girls knew my grandparents. They loved spending time with their great grandparents. That time is the most precious thing in the world. Money cannot buy those moments, and I am grateful that my daughters got to share a part of their lives with Baba and Deda.

Christmas of 2016 marked the first year of having no grandparents present. It was strange to see someone else sitting where Deda would sit. It is something that I will never get used to.

Tealk

Last year we also moved house. It was the first time I had moved in 12 years. One month prior to my move my cat Tealk became ill. In a whirlwind of panic I rushed him to the vet. They were kind and gracious, but the news was heartbreaking. My Tealky was 17, with a large distended stomach. To put him through any treatments would be cruel at his age. He came home for one final evening with us. My life companion, who had been there through everything with me from getting married, to losing Mikki, to having two children, then my husband leaving me. He was my furry little rock who loved me unconditionally. With the heaviest of hearts I took him to the vet, accompanied by friend Victoria, so he could go into his eternal slumber. I was devastated. He has left a huge void, and I miss him terribly.

So, I'm still here. The past 2 years have been full of life moments, some of which have been the most difficult of my life....and although I miss those who have left us,I am looking to the future now and focused on raising two independent strong girls who are going to have wonderful adventures along the way.

Hopefully there won't bee too much silence in between drinks this time.

Maria Grujovic 09.08.1929 - 13.12.2014

Baba and Deda

Today a chapter in our lives came to a close. My beautiful and glamorous grandmother was laid to rest next to her daughter at Rookwood Cemetery.

On Saturday the 13th of December 2014, in the very early hours of the morning, Maria Grujovic, my grandmother, took her last breaths and left this world.

It has been a surreal journey and hadn't really sunk in until today. I know that she had a long and amazing life. That this is the natural order of things, but it still doesn't stop me from selfishly wanting her to stay here forever. It doesn't stop the pain that lingers in my heart like poison.

It's funny what pops into ones head when you learn that you have lost someone dear to you. All I could think of was that I wanted to make Vanilice with her one more time, and that now I would never get the chance to learn from her again.

Ivan, Baba, and Danny

Last night my mother told me that my grandfather had asked for it to be open casket. Dread filled me. I couldn't take my kids to say goodbye because it would be too much for them. It would be too much for me. When the lid was lifted, my heart felt like it had be torn from my chest. My eyes filled with tears, and they fell down my cheeks freely. I couldn't help it, I sobbed like a child. Then I felt a hand touch mine, it slid a tissue into my fingers....then that hand held mine. It was my cousin Saxon. We all lost our grandmother. 

I looked to my right and stared at my grandfathers face. His blue eyes were red and tears fell down his face like waterfalls. His mouth was shaking. He lost the love of his life....his lifetime companion. His wife of 66 years lay in front of him. He has already buried a child, and today he buried his wife. He is man who is dying of a broken heart. He doesn't wail in grief, instead his suffering sounds much worse. the only sound I can compare it to is that of a wounded puppy. 

My mother and uncle stood there and looked upon their mothers face one last time. their eyes red from days of crying, their hearts heavy with grief. Memories swarming around in their heads.

I have so many wonderful stories about my grandmother, but at this very moment all I can think of is cooking with her.

Baba, my gorgeous grandmother. May you be at peace now. Your suffering has ended. May the stars pave the way for you to Danny, Ivan, and Mikki, where they will be waiting for you with open arms. Shine your star like a beacon of light in the midnight sky, so that we might bathe in your love for a little longer. I love you and I am so grateful to have had you in my life. I owe much of who I am to you and I am proud of it. Rest in peace

One of the last times I saw her. I captured true love.

.

Another year passed.

Today it is 6 years since my aunt Mikki left this world. It's strange, it feels like only yesterday. The wounds are still so fresh and deep. The sound of my grandfathers cries haunt me. The way her hands were so cold to touch. My last plead with her as I whispered in her ear "Please wake up Mikki. PLEASE! Just open your eyes." All of these things swim around in my head and make me dizzy.

We never get over the loss of a loved one. We simply just learn to live with the anguish. We can still smile and laugh. We can go about our daily functions, but the sorrow is still there. Lingering in our broken hearts.

I have photos of her in my home, and I look upon her beautiful face every day. I yearn for a comforting hug from her. For a smart arse remark to bring the tone into the gutter as she always would. God, I miss her humour and her laugh...I miss her light. The one that would set a room ablaze when she walked in.

I look at Natasha, and she resembles her more and more with each day. I see her in Natasha and Remy when they smile. The corner of their lips curling just like hers, and their eyes crinkling  and sparkling the same way. She's here, every time they look back at me I see her.

Today will never be an easy day for my family. Today was the day our world exploded and came crumbling down around us. We move through life carrying the wounds, carefully protected so as not to rupture them again, but it is inevitable that on this day they will always re-open. The tears will fall and our hearts will ache. The dull pain will always be there in the darkest corners within us. We will always honour her on this day and remember the beauty that shone from her.

Rest peacefully my beautiful aunt. May your star shine brightly tonight for all of us to see. You are forever missed. I love you.

She said what?!

Recently my best friend and I did the unthinkable and ventured into Ikea on a Saturday with kids in tow. I put my eldest into Smaland, so I just had my youngest and she had her daughter who is the same age.

After getting buzzed to collect Molly as our allocated hour had expired, we began finishing our session at the mega store when Molly exclaimed that she needed the bathroom. I told her to hold on as we were almost done. At this point she tells me she needs to poo and that if she doesn't go to the toilet soon she "will poo in my pants!" (all quite loudly too). So I gesture to my friend and tell her I'll meet her on the other side of the registers. I rush through the register myself, and run my girls to the toilet. By the time we return my friend is at the register.

Something about her is off. She looked flustered and annoyed...and a little upset. I asked what was wrong and she told me that shortly after I left her, that her daughter had started to get a bit restless as it was late in the day (about 4:30pm) and the witching hour for toddlers. She was trying to get all her stuff quickly and out of the store when a middle aged woman felt the need to say these words to my mate with a smirk, "I think she's had enough, don't you?". I was livid! How dare anyone presume to feel free to say such a thing to a parent. I had only wished that I had been there with her, because I can tell you that a few choice words would have rolled off my tongue.

When did it become OK for people to randomly come up to you and put their two cents in? When did it become OK to publicly humiliate a mother doing the best that she could? I would never presume to know so much about a parent, and just walk up to them and spout such comments. People have said that maybe she was trying to be funny and make light of the situation, but from what my friend said, this woman was purposefully malicious. I'm sorry, but that old adage of  'if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all' is very much applicable here. 

I am truly horrified that my mate had to hear something like that. Most of the time when I am out and about with my girls and Molly kicks off into one of her almighty tantrums, I get the usual looks of horror. I can feel the judgement oozing out of them, penetrating my skin. But then, there will always be that one woman....a mother, and she will smile at me and say something to the tune of "it will pass". Sometimes there is a even a hand on your hand as they say it. And that tiny gesture makes the other people who watch on in horror, just melt away. So to my beautiful best friend, know this...you are an amazing mother, and a truly awesome woman. No vile middle aged crank in Ikea will take that away from you. Trust in your ability and trust your instincts. Your little girl will only be this age once, so enjoy every moment of it....even the witching hours. Screw anyone who presumes to tell you how to do things. This is me putting my hand on yours. You are doing a fabulous job.

The man who tried to save her.....

So today I caught up with an old school friend of mine, Sophie that I haven't seen in over 10 years. It was truly wonderful seeing her face and hearing voice. She still looks the same, as beautiful as ever and smiling from ear to ear, like no time had elapsed. Although our screaming children certainly showed that we had grown up in some sense.

We talked about many things. My recent separation from my husband, parenting, careers, then I began to share all the tragedies that have been littered throughout the past several years of my life. Losing some of the most incredible and influential women in my life. I spoke of how my aunts passing had changed my family's world. That my mother had not been quite the same since losing her baby sister. I began to tell her of the circumstances of Mikki's passing, of how my mother and she had worked together and how one day an aneurysm had claimed my aunts life while she sat at the reception desk. At which point my friend Sophie asked if my mother and aunt had worked for WHK. A little taken aback I replied with a yes, wondering how on Earth could she possibly know that. She looked at me and said "I think Pete was the one who performed CPR on your aunt." Pete is Sophie's husband. The wind was knocked out of me for a second, and it felt like my heart stopped. What a completely and amazingly small world we live in! I rang my mother and she confirmed it. 

I still can't quite believe my mother and aunt worked with Soph's husband for all those years and we had no idea. It's just mind blowing how lives become intertwined.

Sophie told me of how Peter came home and how that days events had shaken him. I felt so sad that he had to witness that, but I also felt comforted knowing that the person who was trying to breathe life back into her, was somehow connected to me.

I don't know if Sophie or her husband Peter know just how grateful we are for his efforts. That he truly holds a special place in our hearts. That he did everything he could to try and save a life that was so incredibly precious to us, means more than he will ever know. I stopped in to see my grandparents this afternoon, and my grandmother said that my mother had called and told her that it was my friend's husband who had tried to save Mikki. She looked at me through those sad and loving eyes and said, "Please tell him, thank you." So I wanted to take the opportunity to do just that, from my entire family. I'm not sure how to even say thank you for such courage and strength, or that any words will be enough.

Firstly, to my friend Sophie, thank you for putting two and two together and telling me it was your husband who was there that day. Also, it took all the strength I had today not to cry. It's such a hard subject for me, usually just reading her name can evoke the deepest emotions. You see she was so important in my life. Her name was Mikki, and she was amazing. I would give the world to see her face again and hear her laugh, and your husband tried to keep her with us, which is just about the most heroic thing to me and my family.

To Peter, the man who tried valiantly to save my aunt, who is married to my friend Sophie and father to her two gorgeous girls. Thank you for coming back when you heard Mikki collapse. Thank you for trying. Thank you for caring about a human life and giving it your best shot to keep her with us. We are eternally grateful and from the bottom of our hearts..... thank you. 

When forever ends...

I fell in love with the love of my life in 2003. He had a red Mohawk and tattoos all over his arms. I saw him across the bar and knew immediately that I had to speak to him. Within moments of meeting, he had made me smile and laugh, and I realised that this was something special.

Within 5 months we were engaged, and just over a year later we were married. Life was not always a walk in the park. We argued over what most couples argue about, sex and money. But we always resolved things, even though we could both be as stubborn as mules.

6 years after getting married we welcomed our first child into the world. She was perfect and made life all that much better, until I found myself doing most things on my own. My husband always had something else to do....something that took priority. Whether it was a band he was in or just wanting to sleep in, we just didn't seem to even register as a blip on his radar. Nevertheless I persevered.

3 years later we had our second baby and she was equally as beautiful as our first, and just as perfect. Life was nice, but again I found myself doing everything on my own. I used to ask him to join us for family lunch on Sundays, or to come to the park for a play, but he always had an excuse; so I just stopped asking.

I never stopped loving him. I don't know when he stopped loving me; but he did. He stopped. And you can't force someone to love you. I don't know if there is someone else, or if I just disgust him. But something changed in him and before I knew it, he had packed some clothes and moved out. He left me. He left us. So here I am. All alone with two small children. My world ripped out from under me. 

Every time he comes to visit I fall apart inside when I hear Molly's voice inevitably say, "but daddy, you live here! This is your home....we're a family". I feel like I have let my girls down. I'm so hurt, sad, and angry, that it makes me feel sick. I feel such disappointment for the man that I once held so dear. The man that I still, stupidly love. I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. 

This is all very simplified. I'm not saying that I have been a saint either, I know that I can be hard to live with. So many things have have been said and done over the years, but I fought tirelessly for our marriage throughout it all, and now there is no coming back from this. He gave up on us, and I think that's what hurts the most. I always stood by him, no matter what....but he left me. 11 years of  my life, discarded as if they were nothing. Memories left to rot in the recesses of my mind.

I feel lost, alone, hurt, and so completely and utterly broken. Like a piece of porcelain, all cracked and the slightest move will shatter me into a thousand pieces; and every time I try to repair myself I just find more fractures. 

I struggle to explain it to my girls. Harri is only one, so she's none the wiser, but Molly is 4 and asking so many questions....questions that I have no answers to. So I turned to literature, and Babette Cole saved my life. She wrote a book for children called Two of Everything. It follows a brother and sister duo, Paula and Demetrius Ogglebutt. Their parents just can't get along. It addresses the one thing that I worry about most, that the children think it's their fault. They hold a meeting at school and conclude that in fact, it's the adults fault. It's a beautiful and funny book that appeals to a child's wit, sense of humour, and their level of comprehension. I just never thought that I would have to get a book like this for my kids. I never thought that we would be here.

Just like Mrs Hastings in Strictly Ballroom, I put my "happy face" on. I try to be as civil as I can with him, because my girls deserve to have their father in their lives, but they also deserve so much better than what he has given them so far. I just hope that he steps up and gives them the dad that they believe him to be.

So when the fairy tale ends and forever is nothing more than just a word, this is what is left behind in the wake of the destruction. Two children pining for the father that was never really there for them in the first place, and a mother who is left to pick up the pieces and try and hold it all together, even though she is a train wreck on the inside.
You know, people had said to me you'll mourn the relationship, and I never understood it until it began. It truly has been like a death. It is such a huge and profoundly deep sense of loss. An empty chasm in my chest where my heart once lived. My daughters tear filled eyes pleading with me to see daddy rip the wound even deeper. I never wanted any of this for my girls. I never wanted any of this for me. Now I have to try and explain this to them throughout their lives and hope that they don't hate me for their father's deeds.
I live in the hope that my girls will grow to be strong and independent women one day, who will be proud of their mum for providing a positive and loving home for them.....I live in the hope that one day they will understand.

Today is the day that I open up and share my agony publicly. It has been almost 3 months since he left. I am still broken, but I am able to talk about it now. I guess it's kind of cathartic. To be fair, we do seem to be getting along a little better, although I find it easiest to communicate with him via text or Facebook messaging. Seeing him in person is still very hard, but it is getting easier.
On this day ten years ago, he placed a ring on my finger and we vowed to love and cherish each other until the end of our days. Today, I removed that ring. I look at the ten years worth of indents and ridges on my skin where my rings once rested, and a sense of sorrow and anger engulfs me. I tell myself that today is just another day.