This October marks three years since my aunt passed away. One minute she was here, and the next she was gone. I have never been very good at grieving; I bottle it up inside me and don't want to broach the subject. I guess you could say I avoid. When I got that phone call from my sister, my heart sank into the deepest darkest pit of my stomach. Mikki had collapsed at work, and she never woke up. A congenital blood vessel that had burst at the base of her brain was the culprit. Seeing her in the hospital like that was crushing. One of the most vivacious and vibrant women I have ever known was reduced to having a machine breathe for her.
When Mikki left this world, my sister and I lost an aunt, a sister and a friend. My mum lost her baby sister and her best and closest friend. My cousins lost their mother and my grandparents lost their baby. There is a huge void in our family that cannot be filled.
At the time, I cried every day and night until I had no more tears. So much of my childhood was spent with Mikki. As a small child I would get into her make-up drawer and devour her lipsticks. There is a photo of me at the age of about two, sat on my grandparents lounge with my blonde hair, a phone (so very typically me) and a face full of red lipstick, Mikki's lipstick. Now I can't remember the last time I saw her alive and it tears me apart. I wish that we had more time.
It never gets easier, but we learn to just cope I guess. When Molly came along, I was so sad that she would never meet Mikki, so we gave her name to Molly (it's one of her middle names). But I still find myself longing for Mikki's presence; Molly would have adored her and my heart hurts to know that I can't share my brilliant aunt with my daughter.
On the second anniversary of her death I went to visit her grave. It was the first time that I took Molly to see her. As soon as I sat down on the grass with Molly the tears welled up in my eyes and the pain come flooding back. I wanted her to be here when I had a baby. I wanted to hear her laugh at my expense for my horribly long labour. I wanted her to share motherly advice and I wanted her to hold Molly the way that I held her babies.
I miss my aunt and I still cry. As Molly's first birthday approaches, I become more and more aware of Mikki's absence. I wish that she could be here. I'm not a religious person. I'm not sure what comes after this life, all I know is I will see her on the other side, whether it be another universe or heaven or on a star. Right now, I miss her with all my heart. The life is short cliché is not so much a cliché to me or my family anymore. Life really can change in a matter of seconds, so don't take the time you have with your loved ones for granted, you really don't know what's around the corner.
Tell your loved ones that you love them every day.
