5 years on...

Tomorrow is October 16th, it will be 5 years since we lost my aunt. I find that no matter how much time passes, my heart still aches with sadness and pain when I remember that day. It's funny, I was talking with my friend who said she just couldn't face the remembering and commemorating of the day a loved one died. She instead celebrates life. It made me think about how I remember the people I love, and I told her that I too celebrate life, but it was how we did things in my Serbian/Slovenian family by visiting the grave on the anniversary of a loved ones death. I also choose to visit on my aunts birthday, or whenever I may be passing Rookwood.

When I do visit my aunts grave, I talk to her in the hope that somehow she will hear me. I remember all the wonderful times we had together, and most of all I remember her smile and laugh, although it does hurt to remember sometimes because I can no longer share laughs with her. It hurts to take my children to her grave and know that they will never get to enjoy her company. Not a day goes by without me missing her.

My cousins are always at the back of my mind. I wonder how they cope without their amazing mother. I wonder if they are OK. I wish that she could see how amazing they are, and how they have grown. She would be so proud.

I now realise that no matter how much I celebrate her life and remember the wonderful days with her, that the the 16th of October will forever be one of the worst days of my life, for the sole reason that she left this world that day and we will never get her back.

To my beautiful aunt Mikki, I miss you more than I can put into words. I wish so much that you could meet my girls...they would adore you, just as I do. Our lives have not quite been the same since you left, and I know that my mum would give anything for just one more moment with you...so would I.  You will always be the smiling face in the black and white photo Dejan took of you all those years ago. I love you.