Being a new parent is quite an overwhelming experience. It's amazing, fun and wonderful but at the same time it is absolutely terrifying. What if my baby gets hurt? What if it's my fault? The stress and worry can be debilitating.
When I came home from the hospital with Molly I was watching one of those current affairs programs which was running a story about good Samaritans and how people just don't want to be a good Samaritan in this day and age for fear of being harmed themselves. There I am, sat on my couch holding my newborn baby watching this horrifying story....and yes I cried. I couldn't help thinking 'what kind of world have I bought you into'. I wanted to wrap her in cotton wool and protect her from the world. You'll be pleased to know that I have since calmed down and I'm not so precious anymore, but how relaxed is too relaxed?
Molly had her first fall the other day when she went to grab the mouse for our media PC and rolled off my lap. I grabbed her and slowed down her fall, she literally rolled down my shins and landed with a gentle pad on her side on the carpet. It gave her more of a fright than anything, but my confidence was shattered and then my husband decided to put the boot in by saying "What did you do?!", which instantly made me not want to tell him. I knew it was an accident but it felt like I was being accused. I take solace in the words of my friends who reminded me that there will be a million more falls, bumps and scrapes. Looking back on my childhood, I was a complete klutz (and it appears that not much has changed). I was constantly stubbing my toes or having some sort of awful accident. Needless to say I still felt terrible and kept reprimanding myself emotionally (and I'm still doing this now).
Then yesterday morning my husband and I had a horrid argument. One of our cats was being sick and I had Molly in my arms. As I walked through the apartment to check on the cat Molly bumped her head on one of the door handles. We live in an art deco apartment so the doorknobs are quite high (I have had run ins with these silly handles myself when running past them and my long hair has gotten caught and almost scalped me). Anyways, instead of saying to me 'what happened? Is everything OK?' my husband shouts at me that horrible question he uttered previously,"What did you do?!".This question instantly upset me (again), it appeared that he was implying that I was a bad mother and it hurt me immensely. I know that he was just concerned, but his choice of words was thoughtless and mean and as a result I was extremely rude to him, suggesting he F off. My gutter mouth strikes again, and it truly is vile.
At the end of the day Molly is a happy and well loved baby, but now I am left wondering if I really am a bad mum and the idea of wrapping her in cotton wool is slowly creeping back. What am I going to do when she starts crawling?!
My husband and I can have some doozey arguments but at least I have him to argue with. I wouldn't change him for anything. We may be total gits to each other at times but I love him unconditionally and he makes my world a happy one, and we made the most awesome human together.
Life with a baby is full on, but no matter how much I second guess myself two things remain loud and clear, and they are that I love my husband and that I love my little girl so much that I couldn't live without her.
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